Obsessive Clouds
by Allergic-to-Paradox
Summary: A parody of the ST episode 'Obsession'. A good romp for the sense of humor, Now Finished! YAY! Final chapter up! Rated T for language & some adult references.
1. Chapter 1

**Parody brought to you by Bicycle Repair Man**

Parody alert

Typical, while the Captain and chief science officer are doing all the actual work, the three red-shirts are playing poker. Then again, I might too, if I knew I was bound to die first. Once Spock has finished phasering off a specimen of some rockfor the lab to analyze -I thought they just tricordered it, anyway, why do they need to analyze it more? - Kirk smells a peculiar scent, "like honey," that he has smelled once before. So, knowing that this smell was attached to an exceedingly deadly gaseous cloud, he sends out the poker-playing red-shirts to investigate. After all, they only count as people if their shirts are a different color, if they have more stripes on their sleeves, or if they are the Captain's love interest.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Right, so while the mysterious gaseous cloud is receding from behind the rock, the three unsuspecting red-shirts go out to look for what their beloved captain is afraid of. They swing around the perimeter, scanning and aware that they are in danger. Kirk ignores the fact that they have an ever-urgent rendezvous in space. Back at the ranch, the reds are still scanning and freaking each other out with ghost stories.

"Look, there's something over there! Haha, got you!"

"No, wait, over there!" the gaseous cloud, (which is now pink) envelops two of the reds, cackling evilly and the third calls Kirk for help.

"I gave you orders to shoot on sight for a reason, moron! Fire at the damn thing already!"

"Ack, cloud..."

Ten minutes later, Kirk and Spock have finally found the dead reds.

The Captain looks grim. "They are dead, and you will find every red corpuscle gone from their bodies!"

_DOOM!_

"Wait Captain, this one is still alive!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The blond nurse with the bouffant hairdo (yes dears, Nurse Chapel) swings around the medlab, handing out information chips. Scotty calls up the lab, where Kirk and the good Doctor are having a 'private meeting'.

"Just a reminder Captain, the ever-present medical emergency supplies are depending on us, the only starship that could possibly deliver them to the rendezvous."

"Yes, I know, Mister Scott, thank you."

"Damn, Jim, why do they have to call them 'rendezvous' anyway? It's such a pain to spell out in your reports. I'm a doctor, not a school teacher."

Spock interrupts this cute moment with more bad news. "Spock again Captain, those medical supplies are badly needed. We must make this rendezvous."

"Yeah yeah, I get it all ready. Bones, wake up the last remaining red-shirt, I want to talk to him."

"Jim, I can't do any medical research, I might get my new uniform dirty, and it so perfectly matches the color of my eyes. Nurse, you wake up the patient."

The red-shirt, now dressed in blue, (that's the color you wear when the dead one's you), despite not having half the amount of blood he should, is still coherent enough to gasp a few appropriate words to the Captain.

"Did you see anything, man? Were you attacked by a sweet-smelling fog?"

"Objection your honor, leading the witness."

"Ah, shaddup."

"Yessir, I saw...gasp I heard..."

"And then what, come on, don't die on me yet!"

"I heard...voices..."

"Yes, yes, go on!"

"They said... 'We're squatters, baby'... it was... terrible..urk"

"Dammit Jim, what have I told you about killing off my patients!"

_To be continued..._

**Extra points to anyone who spots the Bogmen lyrics in here... -Allytp**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N--- This is fun, I hope I'm not offending too many people... heh heh... By the by, did you notice that there seems to be no instructions on this website? bugger... any tips/ constructive crit, etc. will be muchly appreciated..**

**also, I wrote these as part of a weekly newsletter, which is why the chapters are so short thus far...**

**Disclaimer-- I do not own Star Trek, or any of the characters within.. I only own my sense of humor, my notebook, and my slight Star Trek Obsession...**

Brought to you by Sophie's Poster Contest

Parody Alert

Thus far in our story, the Captain has just questioned red-shirt # 5 to DEATH!

Back on the bridge, Uhura turns to the Captain and starts to remind him that they need to meet the rendezvous.

"Yes I KNOW! Spock, distraction, please."

Spock stands and starts reciting a list of analogies of what it would be like for this imaginary creature to alter it's molecular structure, as wood to ivory, gold to lead, etc. Kirk stops him mid-analogy.

"Wait, I've just thought of something... What if... the creature could somehow... change itself, to avoid our scanners?"

The crew does it's weekly eye-roll. "Yes, Captain, good idea Captain."

"But Spock, what if... like ivory to lead!"

"Wood, Captain. Like ivory to wood."

"Don't be a moron, Spock, go back to your scanner and act like you're being useful."

Spock sulks and decides to go see what McCoy is doing. "Yes Captain.. Chekov, take over on scanner."

The bridge crew sits and stares at the screen anxiously, waiting for something to happen, before a red-shirt comes up to Kirk. "You the new security, boy?"

"Yessir, Garrovick, Sir."

"Whatever. You red-shirt #3?"

"Yessir."

"Ya wanna get a crack at what killed the other reds? Then meet me in the transporter room with phasers and some more of you red guys."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

On the planet's surface, Kirk and five res-shirts are scanning the area for the big pink cloud that can change it's molecular structure. Good luck, guys. The reds hold the exact poses they were assigned, while crazy Kirk stalks around them, muttering to his scanner.

Red-shirt #9 whispers to #78, "He does know we're just scanning air here, right?"

"AH HA! Did you see that molecular change? See? You weren't looking, were you? See, there!"

"Yes sir, that way sir."

"Ah yes, over that rise. You take two men and go around the left, I'll take the other two and swing around the back. And remember, this thing is dangerous, so if you see it, fire full phasers."

"Yessir. 16 and 25, come with me."

Kirk stands dramatically for a moment before heading off.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Flash to Garrovick and his men, the malicious gaseous cloud is sneaking up behind them, over the top of a large rock, which they would have known if they had bothered to keep their scanners on.

"Mwa ha hahaha!" Garrovick hears the cloud cackling, turns and sees it's evil pinkness descend before him. After staring blankly at it for a moment, he fires.

Kirk hears the phaser-fire -if it's just a laser, how can you hear it, anyway?- and he runs in the direction of the sound, apparently the exact opposite direction he had been going. Stupid Kirk. He finds Garrovick, staring ashen-faced at the bodies of 16 and 25. Kirk's two red-shirts exchange smirks, knowing that not only are they alive, but _"Garrovick's gonna get it..."_

"Dammit, why do they always have to breathe after they die? That always freaks me out." Kirk wipes his sweaty chin on his phaser grimly.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kirk's Log: _"This is not good. So far the count is: Pink Alien Cloud, 5; Kirk, none. Damn. This thing must be a genius, to outwit me. I am certain this is the same pink cloud that decimated the crew of that other ship I was on 11 years ago. In other notes, we are still late for our rendezvous with that other ship, to deliver much-needed plague supplies to the citizens of some planet or other. Oh well. Both of my right-hand men are beginning to doubt me. Time to give them a raise, that usually cuts concerns pretty fast."_

_to be continued..._


	3. Chapter 3 wicked creative, ain't i?

**A/N-- Thank you to Schematization and Shadow Valkyrie for the reviews, (my very first, SQUEE!) ahem.. and for the helpful tips, much appreciated. This parody took four pages on my typewriter, and practically wrote itself while I was watching the episode... later on you will be seeing actual quotes, given other meanings, of course... (What kind of name isSchematization, anyway? grin)**

**Disclaimer... I don't own it... don't Sue me.. heh heh...**

_Star Trek, amusing nitpickers for generations._

Yea, indeed, more parody.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Spock, the Good Doctor, and Garrovick arrive for the questioning.

The Captain glowers. "Spock, I haven't thought up any questions yet, you start."

"Yes Captain. Ahem... what did this thing look like, ensign?"

"Uhh.. A big, pink cloud..."

"Ensign, purely out of medical curiosity, were you on any illegal substances at the time you saw this pink cloud?"

"Uhh, no sir."

Kirk sulks. "Ensign, go to your room without any supper and stay there until I tell you to come out!"

Garrovick stalks away to his room, throws himself on the bed and cries like a teenage girl because he always though there was a future between him and Kirk, but now his hopes have been dashed. He even decorated his room with the same clashing pinks and oranges as Kirk's. Awww...

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kirk stalks onto the bridge, fuming as only captains can fume. Scotty dares to approach him first.

"Captain, I'll now give ye a plot point, an' tell ye tha' the engineerin' crew are requestin' for the second time tha' I get a new accent, as they cannna understand a word I say."

"Yes, yes, very good, Scotty."

Seeing that the Captain did not in fact bite Scotty's head off, Uhura gives it a try. "Captain, the rendezvous--"

"GAAA, enough with the blasted rendezvous already!" Kirk growls at Chekov about the scanners, then stomps off the bridge again.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Spock peers somberly into the lab, where the Good Doctor is working. "Doctor, I find myself in need of your advice."

"Well then, I need a drink."

Spock gives him a politely puzzled eyebrow. "I do not understand the Captain's recent obsession with this gaseous cloud. And by the way, I do like your satin scrubs. They bring out your eyes exquisitely."

"Why thank you Spock, I wish I could say the same about all the blue eyeshadow you're wearing."

"I have discovered that the captain of the ship our Captain was on eleven years ago was no other than Ensign Garrovick's Father."

The Good Doctor gasps. "No!"

"Indeed. And there is more."

"Go on!"

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kirk's inner sanctum Kirk is lying on his orange, sparkly bed, inner monologuing about how confused he is, and wondering if all this trouble is caused by Mercury Retrograde.

McCoy swaggers in, resplendent in his satin medical t-shirt. He leans against the doorframe, aghast at the clashing colors running rampant within the room. Kirk glances at him from behind his freaky orange screen, then looks away.

"Not tonight Bones, I have a headache."

McCoy pouts, then decided to get to the point. "Jim, I know about what happened eleven years ago. Put it behind you and let's get these damned medical supplies to our rendezvous."

"I can't help how I feel, Bones."

McCoy glowers. "I am preparing a medical log, showing my doubt as to how mentally intact you are for this mission. This requires a second opinion by someone of command status, so behind door number one--"

Spock enters. Kirk looks confused and comes out from behind his orange screen.

"Sir, we would like to ask you a few questions, as recommended by the manual. We have--"

"Blast it Spock, forget the manual!"

Spock looks a trifle miffed. "That is not what you said last night, Sir."

"Ask me your questions, dammit."

"Sir, the rendezvous--"

"Damn the rendezvous! I know this thing is a vicious cloud come back to get me, just like it did eleven years ago!"

_Is Kirk crazy? Find out next time!_


	4. Chapter 4

Parody brought to you by Hamlet

_Is Kirk Crazy? (Would you really be surprised if he was?)_

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

McCoy and Spock exchange reluctant glances. "Captain, I suppose_ IF_ this were the same pink cloud that it could pose a grave threat to the federation..."

"Yes, exactly, you see my point. We have to stay here."

"Well..." A hail from Chekov interrupts them. "I have a reading on your big pink thing, Sir."

"Excellent. I'll be right there, Mr. Chekov." Kirk runs out of his room and Spock and McCoy snigger before following.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

On the bridge, Scotty is looking worried about the engines, as he always is when they are doing more than orbiting a planet. "Captain, I dinnae--"

"Yes, yes I know, Scotty. Thank you. Do what you can to make us go faster."

Scott does his even-more worried face. "Aye Sir. We may just explode any moment now."

"Grr... Alright, go to warp six." The crew sighs in relief and Kirk makes his apprehensive face, now that they are no longer chasing a big pink cloud through space as fast as possible.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

Meanwhile, Garrovick is moping on his bed. The cute blond nurse (yes, still Nurse Chapel) brings him some food. Celery sticks, soup and colored cubes. Yummy.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The pink thing is now slowing to warp two. Kirk is getting excited.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Back at the ranch, Garrovick sulks and throws the lid of his colored cube plate against the wall, which hits the switch turning on a vent connected to the _OUTSIDE_. Yes, Garrovick has decided to use the tool that the cruel starship designers made especially for sulky crew members, the Suicide Vent. He is planning to slowly suffocate himself. Then he hears the call to battle stations and changes his mind, leaving the room in a dash.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The pink cloud is hovering in front of the enterprise. Kirk orders the phasers to fire.

Chekov gasps. "But Sir, it's such a pretty color!"

"I don't care. Fire!"

It doesn't work. The cloud sticks its tongue out at the _Enterprise_ and does a raspberry.

"Damn. Try something bigger. Photon Torpedoes!"

The Torpedoes fire... and the blob gets mad. It attempts to swallow the ship, forgetting in the process that it has no teeth and therefore cannot gobble them up. However, it does find the handy plot point (a ventilation duct that leads to the OUTSIDE of the ship--what were these people thinking when they built this thing?) and enters the ship, killing two more crewmen on the way.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The men are arguing in the ready room. "Dammit, that means it's gaseous cloud, seven; Kirk, none. What do we do? I know! Scotty, try flushing radioactive waste through the ventilation system, see if that will get it out!"

Scotty gives him a strange look. "Aye Captain, why didn't I think of that before..." Then backs away slowly.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Garrovick is back in his quarters, sulking, having forgotten about his earlier suicide attempt.

Spock enters solemnly. "I know you are simply wishing to wallow in your oh-so-human emotion, but I have come to shake you out of it. I would simply like you to--" Spock cuts off, having noticed that the suddenly well-lit vent is oozing pink gaseous stuff. "Get out!" He shoves Garrovick out the door and breaks the vent switch while trying to close it. Whoops. Must be that incredible Vulcan physique.

Garrovick sends for the Captain via intercom. Kirk comes running with the doctor, after telling Scotty to suck the big pink thing back into the vent, which he can apparently do from the bridge. They scan the room through the closed door, then it opens and Spock walks out.

Kirk smiles, then stands straight and throws his shoulders back. "Don't misunderstand my next question Spock, but--" **(1)**

"What the hell were you doing in the ensign's room anyway, Spock?"

Spock raises an eyebrow at the doctor, then waits for the Captain to continue.

Kirk, miffed at McCoy for stealing his question, thinks up another one. "Why aren't you dead, Spock?"

"Ah, it's his green blood," interjects the doctor.

Scotty hails the Captain, saying the cloud is headed back out the vents into space.

_Find out what happens next time...again..._

**A/N--- the (1)after a line means that it is an actual quote.. Mwahaha.. I love parody.. I honestly would have had Sulu say the lines about the Captain's 'big pink thing', but he wasn't in this episode and I didn't want to mess with it _that_ much. And for those of you plotting other.. er.. plots for this episode, (you know who you are, you naughty person you!), I just stuck to the show itself, not any attempts for a _certain_ _someone_ to murder his superior... loved the "Spock rubbing his hands together or his pointy ears at the thought of getting the command chair" bit though..**

**Allyp**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N---Second to last installment! **

The Bogmen Rock!

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The Final Battle! Kirk has just finished talking to the bridge, in the hallway outside Garrovick's quarters.

"On my way to the bridge. Red # 3, what did you think of the battle with the creature?"

"Uh... None of the weapons worked on it, Sir?"

"Yes, exactly. So, I have decided that neither you nor I are to blame, now or 11 years ago."

"Uhh..."

"Get back to work, ensign."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kirk arrives majestically on the bridge, Spock in tow, where Chekov tells him that the pink thing has left the ship and is traveling at warp speed. Also, sickbay is filling up, due to everyone having breathed in radioactive waste from the ventilation system.

Spock sulks behind Kirk because Chekov refuses to give him back the scanner. Kirk rolls his eyes and makes Chekov go back to his post. "Chekov, set a course for the fourth planet in the Tyco star system. Uhura, tell everybody that we will be late for that dammed rendezvous."

The Good Doctor is nowback on the bridge, scowling in a manly fashion. "Jim, the medical supplies!"

Kirk has apparently given Spock another raise, because he now states that "Evidence suggests the creature is going home to reproduce, creating thousands of little pink cloud things." He pauses to check his eyeshadow._ (I swear, he really does!) _"An ounce of antimatter should be sufficient to destroy it."

Kirk mutters that it will take two men to carry that much antimatter down to the planet.

Garrovick jumps in and volunteers to go down to the planet's surface alone with Kirk.

Kirk smiles lecherously. _(he does actually.. did you ever notice that?) _"You're just the man I had in mind." **(1)**

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Despite objections, Kirk and Garrovick beam down to the planet's surface with a container that is straight out of the Jetsons and a huge jar of blood to lure the creature. Ick. Nothing like a good old suicide mission with a gallon of blood to keep you company. Kirk sets the detonator device onto the Jetsons antimatter container--twenty feet AWAY from the bloody bait--and calls Spock, who tells them that the pink cloud is approaching.

Kirk and Garrovick turn to see the pink alien creature descend upon the jar of blood, which sparkles and becomes empty. "Damn, it took the bait too soon!"

"What else can we use, Captain? It only eats blood!"

Kirk stares, mesmerized, as the big pink thing draws nearer. "Get back to the ship, ensign. Tell them to detonate the antimatter!"

"...Yes Sir," Garrovick looks at the creature, then at Kirk. "Judo CHOP!" Kirk falls over like the wuss he is, and they have a short and very fake looking manly tussle, which is really just Kirk's excuse for grabbing Garrovick's butt. Kirk pulls him over behind the antimatter and, after much difficulty, manages to get his communicator open and hails the _Enterprise. _"Spock...Spock...lock onto us...it's gonna be very, very close..."

The cloud nears, cackling wickedly, because it knows it just interrupted a "Yee-Haw" scene. Kirk waits until it starts sparkling over the antimatter container, three feet in front of them. "NOW!"

_What will happen? Wait and see in the final installment, Next Time!_

**(1) --still means an actual quote.**

**_A/N_---Mwa haha! I do so love being eeeevil... Cause only truely eeeeevil people leave massive cliffhangers! ---ok, not really. and y'all know what happens anyway. Also, the "Yee-Haw" reference is from the bunny version of _'Brokeback Mountain', _at angry alien dot com. watch it. it is good.. **

**Allyp**

**Ah, Parody, how we love thee.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Yea, indeed, the last chapter.**

Back on the ship Spock is working on the transporters, trying to bring the Captain back in one piece. He fails. Miffed, he twitches an eyebrow. Scotty smirks. Spock fails again. Scotty snorts, trying to cover up his laughter.

"Hmph. Reset." This time, just to show that he could have done it all along, Spock transports the Captain in with his arm down and his communicator back in its holder.

Scotty mutters something about "Captain's Pet" and sulks in the corner.

The Good Doctor grumbles about transporters in general before calling Spock a pointy-eared show-off, then remembering that the music is happy so he should be smiling.

Kirk speaks, using his relieved, after-mission voice. "Uhura, tell the ship that we'll be at their damned rendezvous. Oh, and Garrovick, meet me in my quarters when you've cleaned up. I uh, want to talk to you about your father. There are several... 'tall stories' I think you'd like to hear."**(1)** Kirk ogles him, smiling.

Garrovick grins, knowing a chance for promotion is right around the corner. "Thank you Sir, I would." **(1)**

Scotty, Spock and McCoy pout and head off to the bridge together to play strip poker.

The end.

**(1)actual quote**

**A/N-- Thanks to those of you who reviewed, this was fun.. look for me again sometime soon (probably starting in the Yu-Gi-Oh section as well, thanks to my brother)... This was way too short, but one of the movies would be great fun to parody, I swear these things write themselves.. Also, those of you who haven't read 'The Nitpickers Guide for Classic Trekkers', by Phil Farrand, shame on you! go read it. now!**

**Allyp**

**p.s. a word on my name, for those curious...My Dad and I were discussing the Improbabilities of Star Trek one day, and he suggested that the characters (or the ship herself) were'allergic to paradox' therefore it didn't have any affect on them, despite time travel, different universes, etc... Me being who I am, I wrote it down at once and decided that since I had been writing so much Star Trek, that should be my pen name...besides, Evil Laughter was already taken :( **

What Vast unknowns will we encounter next week? Who knows!


End file.
